I am a twenty-two-year-old American male from the Midwest, and I would like to request federal funds for my personal anti-terrorism initiatives. Before you instantly decide to deny my request, please hear out my case.

Although I shall wish to fight terrorism through out the hallowed halls of my apartment 24-hours-a-day, I will gladly do so on a salaried basis rather than hourly. What I will need will amount to approximately a $100 per diem (tax-free, of course) to continue on infinitum (or at least until we win this war against terrorism and we can quit holding all those prisoners in Cuba without trial or legal representation). This will only amount to $36,500 annually ($36,600 in leap years), which is easily the cheapest anti-terrorism initiative you have been presented with yet. In return for your investment, I shall perform the following tasks:

1) I shall keep my apartment free of terrorists. No terrorists will live in my apartment, eat my food, or borrow my clothes. I make no promises though about keeping my furniture free of dust bunnies.

2) I shall not acquire outside employment, as it would detract from important time better spent fighting terrorists from the comfort of my own apartment. Of course, thanks to the economic downturn I could not find a job if I wanted to, but that fact is not germane to my anti-terrorism efforts.

3) I shall subscribe to cable tv so I can watch all the important updates on CNN, MSNBC, Fox News Network, and the other 24-hour cable news channels about our war on terrorism. I'll even go so far as to pretend that Bill O'Reilly isn't putting a spin on stories in his "No-Spin Zone." And to really prove my patriotism, I'll even watch reruns of "Love American Style."

4) I shall seek to procure my own "Ayatollah Assahola" t-shirt.

5) I shall eat only good, Americanized food like hamburgers, hot dogs, and apple pie. I might even commence refering to sauerkraut as Liberty Cabbage.

6) In the spirit of promise #5, I shall start refering to algebra (the only Arabic word adopted into normal English-language usage) as Liberty Math.

If you should feel that my request is reasonable and patriotic, I will gladly follow through on my end of the bargain. Of course, I could use the money soon, as rent is due on the first.

Thank you very much,

Kristopher Koroch
Unemployed American Citizen